Humility and all that Jazz

00:32 4 Comments

At #TheConversation Ibadan

African Feminism is still largely about pounded yam, amala, dodo, skirt-and-trouser, and bad marriages.

That is where we are as a people- food to chop and who’s gonna cook it, serve it and wipe the ass after poop.

And when we are not talking about food, we are talking demeanour.

You know, be a successful woman but be humble. That kind of stuff.

-Because we do not truly understand what humility is, we rant about docility, slavery and entitlements instead.

Humility is not when a woman dumps her education inside a box to become a housewife. That is sacrifice and choice.

Humility is not surviving 25 years of domestic abuse just to finally hear the words, “I am sorry” during your silver jubilee of "enduring love". You could have died in those years!

Humility is not when you allow people walk all over you then YOU join a choir of forgiveness. That’s probably YOU in dire need of some chutzpah.

Accepting that you are a little inferior to another gender is not humility.

I’m sorry Nigerians, but humility is not when you take old people’s advice or crouch on your knees the minute you see a grey strand on their heads or a lot of hair in their nostrils. That’s tradition; and it happens to you involuntarily.

Humility is the ability to allow others win through your own success.

It is spreading your own wings, so they can fly with you.

Humility is a skill. It gives room for others, it rejoices with others, it makes way for others, celebrate others, finds what makes them tick and gives them a platform to twinkle.

Humility is accepting there are others who have interesting insight on a subject you are passionate about; and the confidence to share your platform with them.

It has nothing to do with taking a wayward partner back or accepting a lot of shit in your personal space.

We spend too much time worried about whether people come with a dose of humility or not, and we miss the fraud and depravity that transpire in the midst of flamboyant ass-licking ventures.

Humility is sharing your story, even if it isn’t popular to do so.

And so, I’ll like to thank those who share a bit of themselves every time we hold #TheConversation in different cities- Lagos, Abuja and Ibadan.

We record some of the toughest stories, retold in different ways and by different people from one city to the next.

We had another successful event at Ibadan. You shall find the downloads on www.happenings.com.ng today and for the next few days. We split them in parts.

Below is my opening speech. My words where pouring too fast. I think I was conscious of the fact that we were heading back to Lagos same day.

I talked about my mother (who I love dearly), women who fight other women, and a bit of my experiences here and there.


I hope you find something in there.

4 comments :

Star Radler, Culture and Marketing Flaw

00:52 7 Comments



There are many cases of hotels denying women access into their facilities. In 2015, women still require the supervision of men before they can buy a drink or two. (PS: They'll tell you they are fumigating their establishments with prostituticide. Of course).

It’s a cultural flaw where women are expected to stay away from bars and stay in kitchens and be content with whatever leisure they can find in the walls that house matrimony or spinsterhood-itching-for-matrimony or divorce-wailing-over-lost-matrimony.

Pick one.

A few weeks back, I took three of my good writers on a trip. When we returned, we had dinner at a fancy restaurant on the Island. A young lady, marketing the new Star Citurs Radler, stood by our table with a big smile displayed only for the man in our group.

She spoke only to him and marketed her Star Citrus Radler only to him.

The rest of us- females and obviously unworthy, looked on.

She gave only him a bottle of the drink to enjoy.

Star Radler contains barely 2% alcohol. It is a brand brewed to compete with the likes of Snapp and Smirnoff Ice. It is obviously not designed for men.

Indeed, when the man was done, he turned and asked the lady why she was trying to get him interested in a drink obviously meant for women. The alcohol isn’t strong enough. He would stick to classic lager or stout.

“There’s no way I’m going to order this at a bar,” he laughed.

A culture that teaches everyone to address only men, is teaching everyone to disregard women even in businesses created for women (except, of course, we are talking scrubbing powder and detergent).

The culture insists that even if a product is designed for women, you would need to pitch it to men who are seen as the ATMs and buyers of comfort. Women are only accessories to good living.

So I took the liberty to address the young female marketer.

“You have three female adults on this table. You are marketing a drink with barely 2% alcohol, but you insist on marketing it to the only man on the table. Your approach is wrong, hence you have lost three potential customers. I shall stick to Snapp.”

A culture that discriminates against women continues to shoot itself in the foot. The informal Nigerian economy is sustained largely by women. Small and medium scale businesses are sustained by women

I do know that these marketers get some kind of training before they roll out to bars and restaurants. I see many of them flirting with drinking men and shoving a Jack Daniels' bottle in their faces.

But when it’s not Jack Daniels…when it is light alcohol and three women are seated, let the smart teachers of economics train their workers to give due regards to their potential customers. Women.

The man in our group is my subordinate. In that gathering, I am the boss. I was paying for drinks and food and everything in between.


But being female was something that couldn’t possibly justify my status in the presence of culture.

7 comments :

Extreme Feminism on R2TV

07:54 1 Comments

I was a guest on Inside Eve, a programme on R2TV. I was invited to talk on, yes, Feminism.

What is it all about and why women fail to identify with the movement?

Too many calls came in and we couldn’t really get the meat of the gist.

The producer says we’ll do another edition.


Enjoy this one!



1 comments :

Why Women are their own worst enemies

00:16 9 Comments



Many women will disagree.

I’ll advice that you prick the bubble you are living in.

I have seen women fight on the streets, strip to bare buttocks…because of a man.

Go to rundown shacks of the metropolis and see women with scars from ear to cheek, like a tiger attack, all for the fight for a man.

People recruit their entire household to attack other women, sometimes for the attention of a man no better than a piece of idea.

It’s all in the mind; messing with our heads.

Go to prisons. Half the women are serving time for crimes of passion.

The man is the prize.

Young girls are coached to be desirable for boys.

Teenage girls are told to learn how to multitask so they can keep a home.

Women are told to look a certain way so they can appeal to men.

Eventually, the entire purpose of your being is to become someone’s wife.

Not a bad deal. Marriage should be a good thing regardless of individual experiences.

But should that be the peak of half the population of the world?

So this half-population is struggling to get the attention and approval of the other half.

See the stampede!

It’s an ugly picture of cuts and bruises, scars and hate, jealousy and ignominy.

You need to step back and look at the prize you fought so hard to get sometimes, and ask if all is well with you.

This is why, for all intent of humiliation, the only words people throw at women they believe will hurt is when they are described as inadequate for a man, or unable to keep a man or a home.

It boils down to domestication.

You are no better than the colour of your bedroom walls and the present dude calling you at midnight. Nothing else seems to matter, unless you can show there is male approval in whatever you do.

It’s ok to fail in business; it not such a bad thing to suck at enterprise. That is why gender poverty is such a big issue; nobody is paying attention to the true worth of a woman in terms of enterprise, we just need her to be gentle and longsuffering with a man... but I deviate.

Letting a man stray is your fault, your shame, your end.

Many women are defined by the sex of their children. Four girls, and she believes she is a failure. Her heart is in her mouth until she can prove she is woman enough to bear a son.

It is the same script for women in violent relationships. Beat them with rods, they ain’t going nowhere because then it would mean they have failed; and that would make them one-of-those-women who cannot keep a home.

I have seen women choose death (half the time- theirs, the other half- his) over divorce many times.

This is the realities.

We need to speak out against issues that have us defined a little higher than a sheet of paper.


I hope, regardless of what society proposes, you are living your own happiness- whether it fits into a script or not.

We need to unlearn half the mess we grew up believing.

The next woman is not your problem. She never will be.

It's never too late to get that screwed in.

9 comments :

“Who will fry my Plantain, with salt?”

04:01 15 Comments



Let’s say you are having a conversation on Feminism. You know, that small issue on Equality.

Your concern is that young girls be allowed education in rural areas; teenage girls be left to dream without marriage as a roadblock to the height of their ambitions or imaginations, and women be treated equally in society and the structures and industries it sustains.

A crisp construction of economic, educational, political, cultural, and personal objectives, without the exoneration of any gender from tall dreams and endless possibilities.

Talks about more women in position of power and decision-making; the bold entry into certain circles of influence; first-world aspiration, realized through merit and skill, and not gender.

An all-encompassing matter that advocates for more opportunities for women and the eradication of gender-bias practices shrouded in culture and religion.

But what your audience, a third-world calamity, hears is entirely skewed:

“Who will fry our plantain now?”
Who will stay in the kitchen and boil water for the sick child?
Who will pound yam, turn eba?
Who will then move from the kitchen to the bedroom with ease and no qualms?

Your entire movement is summarised to a stuffy square room with a stove and kerosene.



That’s when you realise the true worth of the woman in an African situation. That is when you truly understand your position in the Patriarchy.

You are a cook. And when you are not a cook, you are a vagina.

Of course, this would be denied with sticks and machete and howls; but when you talk about Equality and all patriarchy can come up with is pounded-yam-and-egusi-soup arguments, you should understand that your entire worth is no more than a cooking pot.

How can we justify educated people throwing in domestic issues of cleaning and scrubbing, cooking and wiping every time the issue of empowering the woman comes up?

In developed societies, Feminism has long dealt with the ridiculous; now the focus is on civil rights for women.

Here, in the pit of Africa, we are still contemplating whether to reward the woman with human rights!

Just as we fight for basic amenities of light and water and good roads and security; feminism in Nigeria is fighting for issues as heart-breaking as…

Should a wife work when her husband says she shouldn’t?
Should a woman own a Range Rover before getting married?
Should a married woman own her own land property?
Should a woman walk away from an abusive marriage or manage the situation?
Should a maid cook for the husband?
Are ladies allowed to dress in a certain way?
Should a woman ever deny her bae sex?

These are the subjects that take front seat when we address feminism in Nigeria. Yet people compare us to Feminists in the West. As if our audience is similar; as if our traditions are same. As if we share same concerns.

We are still largely concerned about our stomach. The biggest Nigerian problem is food. We are, after all, a nation of consumers. Open your mouth, chop and quench.



And it gets even more confounding, as the real enforcers of patriarchy; the real policing of “offenders” are done by women.
Women who sustain patriarchy want to ensure that all women live homogenously or be labelled social pariahs.

It might take another two decades before we begin to deal with civil rights. For now we worry about leaving the children with the men…

Are they smart enough to take care of a child? Will they not mistakenly toss the child under the couch thinking s/he is an empty bottle of beer?

Yes, women share these fears and arguments about grown men. It is a kind of love and reverence, you know.

See, even men are not left out of the preposterousness of Patriarchy.

This is where we are.


And what a bloody waste of time it is for sensible discourse to follow.

15 comments :

Who is an Angry Feminist?

05:18 22 Comments



My name is Joy Isi Bewaji.

This is the place where I get to talk about stereotypes, tradition, prejudices, kyriarchy, patriarchy and feminism.

Welcome.

Did I forget to mention I am a feminist?

Feminism is not complete.

There is the very essential accessory of “angry” or “burnt”, “bitter” or “unhappy”.

You almost imagine ejaculation taking place whilst pooping, with moans of “angrrrrry bitches” foaming from the side of the mouth.

It’s never a pretty picture when they conceive these add-ons.

So why are Feminists angry?

Or maybe the question should be: why is the anger of the Feminist a more important discussion, a headliner of sort, than the anger of, say, the housewife with five children, or the bitterness of the mechanic, or the unhappiness of the manager at a construction firm, or the scorched habit of the police officer, or the political analyst on AIT with irate veins shooting out behind a worn collar?

The anger of a Feminist at a work place, for instance, could be triggered by the work itself and not her feminist tag. Work might be slow, work might be unproductive, and work might be paying less. Work is what elicits her anger.

The bitterness of a Feminist on Lagos roads may be caused by the driver in front of her- the one who carelessly reverses and slams her lights out; it could be hours of traffic; it could be okada hitting her side mirror off.

The bitter Feminist in traffic is bitter because of the traffic situation. Like everyone else.

The irritation of a feminist in social situations that address rape, misogyny, or crass ignorance on issues of patriarchy could be found in the responses, the comments, the blatant witlessness of it all, or just the realisation of how easily depraved things can get…

And the finesse and subtleties people, like Nigerians, living in third world depravity, lacking in every basic need, demand in dealing with issues of female mutilation, silence in rape and battery in marriage as something as, well, hip as a Davido concert, is worth pulling your hair out for.

I am not sure how people can address these issues of prejudices with the kind of conduct and tone that we give to good sex and orgasm.

How do we address the barefaced rape cases under bridges, near bus parks, in crannies of Ojota and Ogba with calm and easy tones?

Yesterday, Sunday, we held the third edition of #TheConversation- an event where we talk about patriarchy and social privilege(s) or lack of it. This time we moved to Ibadan (we have been to Lagos and Abuja). At the event yesterday was Akintoba, a lawyer, who shared an experience of a five year old girl, raped by the friend of her father- a man in his forties.

When the case got to him, he looked at the child and asked, “What do you want me to do to this man?”

The young child answered, “I want him to suffer.”

A 5 year old is very clear of her wish, because her pain reminds her of what she truly desires for her rapist.

As the case progresses, father of the child calls the lawyer aside and pleas that this matter should not destroy the relationship he has with his friend (the rapist).

Before long, in true African style, the case goes cold. Not because the lawyer is unwilling to help or the courts are unwilling to address the matter, but the parents started meandering, then stopped picking the lawyer’s calls.

Yet, when Feminists or activists or any other “–ists” address these type of issues, we are required to “tone it down” “calm it down” “so that people can understand”.

Understand what exactly? Is it rocket science to understand that a woman is equal to a man, and a child should not be raped?

Do we need tutorials for that? A cup of coffee and biscuits to help comprehension, perhaps?

Are we to wear our Sunday best with ribbon on our hair whilst we deal with situations many of us only hear about?

Do you not know that the easiest thing to be in a situation like this is to be calm, sweet, and understanding?

It is not your experience. So why should you “carry it on your heads”? That is what you mean when you say “tone it down”.

It is the easiest place to stand. And it is a selfish position.

I am almost ashamed of any woman who would suggest that feminism be toned down.

Tone down so that what can happen? So that we can be considered sweet and kind and loving and longsuffering and nice and understanding?

If anything needs toning down it should be discrimination and chauvinism.

I am an angry feminist (Just as angry as being Nigerian and realizing the numbers who are dead because terrorism exists).

An angry feminist with a good job, great companion, lovely kids, a really good life.

Still I am angry. I am angry for that 5 year old girl who didn’t get justice because her mother needed to “tone it down”.

I am angry for the girl hawking “pure water” who gets harassed sexually by drivers and conductors and step-fathers because her mother is “toning it down”.

I am angry for every woman who has been told to work out bad situations because society does not want to deal with the 'female anger' or even want to admit she has a right to any kind of emotion beyond the “oooohs” that escape her lips during sex.

I am angry.

Now that (that) is established, we can then move on to other discourse that this platform will provide and address.


Thank you and welcome.

22 comments :

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